I guess we all start our stories with: “I’ve known I was gay…” Well, it is the truth. That is exactly what we need to say because it validates what we’ve been feeling and struggling with for a very long time. I am not out as yet but plan to do so in the very near future. Here I will tell you my story…
The reason/s why I’m not out is / are exactly the same as most of us that are trapped in that “closet”. In my case I guess it was religion, family and society (in no specific order of importance). I’ve never actually made plans to come out or thought about it in all of my life. It has never even crossed my mind only until recently. I have watched a lot of coming out videos and listened to many stories and it sort of motivated me to come out… But… the struggle is still very real.
One thing I’ve learnt is that you need to “come out” (as if I was literally hiding under a rock) to those that are important in your life. Your family and your friends. They are the most important people in your life and they deserve to be included first when you do eventually decide to “come clean”.
I will tell you more about my story later on but I have to share a current predicament.
I’ve been “straight acting” all of my life… And I’ve only ever told one person that I am gay. That was a therapist (woman) I saw when I was dealing with depression years ago… Now, moving on. If someone (a female) is "sort of" attracted to you... how do you tell that person? Where do you start? Do you just tell her that you are gay and that is the reason why you have never made a move? Do you risk your friendship? Do you continue to "lie" and "lead her on"? If you secretly tell her… what will happen? Will she keep her word to not say anything? DAMN questions! And in my heart my gay self is fighting a losing battle :(
Eureka! I’ve got the answer! JUST COME OUT. That “coming out” will answer all those questions. I wouldn’t even need to address or explain any of them. Easier said than done! I need to plan my whole life. And this is true… It will answer so many questions. We are not getting younger and the truth, I guess, will set EVERYONE free! Every person will have an answer to their questions! INCLUDING and mainly MYSELF… But how do you do it? I just cannot picture myself telling my parents. I am already thinking what they would be thinking. Not to mention all my cousins, uncles, aunts and friends. But hey, they can fight or flee. Accept or just DON’T accept. Who’s problem is that? Not mine! I had to deal with my being gay for ALL OF MY LIFE. Let them get over it or live with it. When you think of it… it will blow over so quickly eventually.
This is so complicated. Soon it will be over. I can just imagine the stories and what the friendships and relationships will be like in the future… Anyway… we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I would not want to lose family and friends…
In my next post I will start sharing from the beginning. How all this happened. I will try and post a chapter every week… Like I said, I am still in the closet and I will only post photos of myself once I have come OUT! I am planning for a coming out date. In the meanwhile life is going on. Life must go on...
Peace!
