So the earliest I can remember anything about being gay is when I was in junior school. I knew I was different when “boy things” were not my thing. I had a friend who was also the same as I because we hung out together, but I guess heaven only knew what we’ve been going through at that time.
Junior school was junior school. Nothing much really happened there that was either good or bad as far as being different. You’d get the occasional witch that would call you names. I am also sure that there were some of my peers that suspected the obvious, who knows! The mannerisms were sort of there and I think one would start at an early age to be more masculine once you realized that being gay was not “normal”. The masculine thing was more worked at in high school. I had other male and female friends and that was that. There was however a girl that I “liked” because of society I guess. That fizzled out towards the end of my junior school time.
My worst time in junior school was when we had physical training and boys had to play football. That was just not our thing. My friend and I would just sit and watch. I think the teacher was aware of our situation and for him it was a BIG joke (ignorance?). There was nothing in junior or high school that I can remember where I was verbally abused, judged or attacked because of my mannerisms, voice, etc. Had a pretty normal school life. We were attending church as a family. Did the youth thing, etc. More about how that affected me (my spiritual life) at a later stage.
I guess I became more aware of my sexuality and my preferences in my early high school years. Also a girlfriend or two… more like crushes I would say. The first and last "real girlfriend” was in my final year of school. Again, trying to fit in and trying to be part of the “normal” thing. In my third last year in high school I also suffered my first depression experience. That was nasty!
Also in my high school life I realized that I was more attracted to boys. I had my first sexual encounters when I was in (I think) my final year of primary school and more of them in my early high school time. The last one (my very last sexual encounter) happened in the third last year of high school.
There was a couple of encounters and two boys stood out as the ones whom I had the most contact with. One boy was my age and the other was a little bit younger. I was probably 10 or 11 at the time. We used to be in "places" and that was when this older boy suggested we had sex. And that was that. We are sexual human beings and I guess nature had to go its way. Innocent us? It happened a couple of times. Both these "boys" are straight and are married today. The last time I had sexual contact was when I was 15 with the younger boy. And never ever again in my whole life.
So my sex life was brief in my teens and after high school there was none… I haven’t even dated girls (or guys). There were many opportunities for girls but because of my orientation it just never happened.
After high school I was accepted to go and study further. Got a normal 9 to 5 job and that was that. Still in the closet. Went to parties. Had a couple of friends. Had a go at owning businesses. Those were good years! Also more about that later on. I am now again a business owner which is good.
Now... and only... NOW ... I am sort of beginning to see the light. A little bit too late but better late than never… This whole introduction story is sort of forcing me to see things the way they are and the way they should be. Living a lie is not something that is good for any person or those around him/her. Coming out, like I said, will MAKE things right.
I am at a stage in my life where I think all this must come into the open. I cannot hide from the world, my family and friends. I do not see it as a chance to shout out from the rooftops that I am gay. I don’t want people to think differently of me. I just want to live in peace and KNOWING that I do not have skeletons in my closet. I will not go from person to person and tell them that I am “coming out” or that I am gay. As long as the core people in my life knows about it, I will be happy. I am also not gonna jump into the dating scene. That will have to wait until I am ready. I so much want to have someone in my life but that will have to wait when the time is right. I will probably be OLD! LMAO!
That’s it for now. Will share more when I next see you…
Peace!
