Well things haven’t changed much and I do not think that it will change any time soon. If I think about the whole coming out process… it scares me more than anything else. I just cannot begin to think what my family would think or say. For me that is kind of the hardest part. Their reaction and the way they will grasp the whole thing. It will eventually get out of the family circle and reach the ears of family and friends.
I know that family and friends will not confront you or judge you. They would probably be understanding and helpful. After all, heterosexual people do not have to go through the same thing. And I guess what I need to tell myself is that I do not need to explain myself to each and every person and that includes family and friends. I am sure there would be some of them that would understand but I know that there would definitely be a lot of them that are sort of stuck in the 60’s or 70’s with regards to this kind of thing.
I remember way back... a TV program had a gay character in that show and one of my siblings just could not wrap his mind around the gay concept. And there I am locked up with the same problem as that character. The same for the Dynasty show. It was awkward to watch that with family, especially your parents.
So the whole idea of saying how I feel and what “I am” is sort of frightening. I know that the majority of them will accept me regardless of my sexual orientation. But then your mind works overtime: “What are they thinking?” “How do they see me as a gay man?” “Will they be imagining all sorts of things that gay men do?” You have all these weird thoughts of how they would think or talk about you and that sort of bothers me. And again it is a case of what other people will think... I should let it be like that. Let them do the thinking and me do the accepting. I should not allow the thinking of other people get to me!
So... it is for them to wrap their heads around it. I should not break my head and fret about how they “see” the whole thing. It is not in my power to think for them. I could perhaps make them understand why it is like this. I’ve done a lot of research and I think my knowledge would be able to help them understand the whole story.
I was watching (link : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Khn_z9FPmU) a TED talk today about a couple who has 4 children. Their eldest son came out as gay to them when he was 18. The father did the “talk” and I must admit that it was very, very enlightening and eye opening! I want you to watch it if you perhaps want to understand more about the “gay” topic. I felt yet again more at ease or sort of “happy”. He spoke directly to me. I could relate to the whole situation. When I was that age, I couldn’t even begin to fathom as to how I would be able to do the same. Being gay was just so TABOO that I would probably have committed suicide just thinking of all the “repercussions” of coming out. It was just not on.
This makes me think of this one cousin of my dad’s that would always ask me as to when I am getting married. I felt like punching him in the face. Easier said than done. I am sure that there are some family members that probably thought the same and most certainly asked the same question. I guess people have their reasons. To some it might be obvious that I am a closet case… to others it might be not so clear. At a party a few years ago, a woman asked one of my close friends (who “defended” me) whether I was gay. Some people have a stronger “gaydar” than most other people and I completely understand why she would make an assumption like that. She was actually hitting the nail on the head! But, I just couldn’t come clean there and then. It wasn’t the time or the place.
Come to think of it, no one has ever asked me in any which way whether I was gay or not. I cannot even think what I would have said. There was an (funny) incident in my late twenties where a colleague and I practiced some dance moves. Now there was probably something I was doing (moves) that let her believe that something was not right. She sort of insinuated that I am "skew" because of the way I was dancing… I quickly as hell changed the topic to try and defend myself. I cannot even remember anymore what I said! Ha ha ha! Those are actually the only situations I can think of where my homosexuality was sort of ever questioned or brought up…
That is it for now… more next time
