Well this year is slowly coming to an end. I do not have definite plans as to when I will be coming out. I think it needs to be planned properly and be put into a perspective that is good for me. I think I’ve mentioned that I do not want to announce it so the whole wide world will listen to my “coming out” announcement. I think it should remain personal and private. Between family and friends. There are also so many other things to consider before I can even begin to make “that” move. More about my life below.
So I moved away from my hometown at quite a young age after school. I was accepted to go and study further but for some or other reason that never happened. It could have been a financial issue. Or maybe this whole gay thing was part of the reason why I never went ahead. I eventually got a job and worked there for a number of years.
This was also the second last time I had a depression spell. I can remember this clearly. The other happened actually in this this year (2016). So the time between these spells was a couple of years. The last one this year was sort of brought upon myself.
Back to the depression issue. I’ve had about 3 … or maybe 5 times where I was deep in the "jungle". Cannot remember exactly. I have actually handled the last one very well. It was more of a “feeling down” period. It was like you just find yourself in that hole. And you are trying to get out. I was more equipped to survive this last one because of experience I would say. I constantly told myself OVER and OVER that things will get better. And it eventually did… like it did in the past. This last depression (and also other episodes) was more like you are out of touch with reality and that you constantly feel negative. With that I had a head cold that sort of made it worse. I even went to have a diabetes and blood pressure check up. All negative. I think the body was weak to fight off common stuff like having a cold.
What helped the most was to just think positive and I tried by all means to keep myself BUSY. That pulled me through. I think it lasted for about one and a half to 2 months. You just sort of feel down. And then… you just get out of it and then you are sort of on a high. getting out of it is such a great feeling. Thoughts and doing things return to normal… I remember my spell while I was working many years ago… I was sort of scared to answer phone calls while working while feeling depressed… but getting out of it felt like I sort of couldn’t wait to answer phone calls. You just felt positive again and that you could face and conquer the world with all its challenges.
I don’t think any person can understand depression unless you’ve been through it yourself. During one of my depression spells, I visited a doctor that prescribed Prozac. I think I used it for a couple of days and then flushed it down the toilet. It was just not for me. The reason I did that is a bit clearer to me now. At that time I read up about depression and I was equipped to make an informed decision about the medication. I could help myself, mentally. Like I've mentioned... Be with people, think positive and believe in yourself and that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. You should not try and fight it on your own. Be with people.
This last bout was sort of camouflaged by the slight head cold I had so I was sort of good in hiding it from family and friends. I think in the other instances I have shared it with close family. Like I have mentioned… The last time, as far as I can remember, was quite a while ago. Years!
Just a thought... a cousin of mine used it against me when there was a disagreement between us. Bless him. May he never go through that dark valley...
There you go… My depressing depression story I hope it helps someone out there. I have to sign off for now… See you in the New Year! Have a safe celebration!
PS: If you see a lot of pics where people are holding hands... Well... I would love to hold hands (which has never happened).
